 TBR ride bikes, mountain bikes, road bikes, motor bikes and shopping bikes
and because of this we feel a strong urge to talk about our two wheeled friends. But we
must avoid at all costs the charmless nerd like devotion to cock suck and drool over the
technology which is basically only an extension of our already enormous penises.
 The Jesus Orange - Full
time fruity flyer of Ashster.
The Shed - Full time fruity flyer
of Wilster.
'The
Jesus Orange'
Ashster - one careful owner.
aka. Whoreski
Ridden by our very own Ashster this bike
has had strange history.
Bought in a lowly Warminster chip shop and once written off for dead
after leaving the back of a Celica whilst doing 50mph along the Rivelin
Valley Rd. this is a bike which refuses to be put down. Even the abuse given to it by
its rider worries it not. It simply turns the other cheek. Turning the other cheek to
such an extent that when Man Middleton crashes so badly he ends up getting helicoptered
away to spend 12 hours under the surgeons knife the Jesus Orange shrugs off the whole
thing with a slightly grazed saddle and bent seat pin! Often we pray and look skywards
when we see this bike being ridden by man Middleton.
Ride on you blessed bicycle!
BIKE: Orange P7 -
reincarnate
BRAKES: Steve Peat's old Hope
disks (honest). Power!
WHEELS: Rob Warner's 'You Bet'
hubs laced with treacle (honest).
FORKS: Canadian illegally
imported Judys. (These comments are in no way legally binding)
TYRES: Steve Peat's old Ritchy
and one blagged Michelin Wildgripper. See '15 minutes on Everest' for how to blag 600
quids worth of tyres.
MOUNTAIN: A big French one.
SADDLE: Pity it.
SADDLE BAG: Contains hamsters.
BAR ENDS: Dripping with
the blood of small furry creatures and ramblers who were two slow.
PEDALS: Sawn off blocks of 4 x 2
with six inch nails which are then driven through the feet.
CRANKS: Rsj's
WEIGHT: The industrial grade
welding and solid tubes which are required to support the carcass of man Middleton result
in something which weighs only slightly less than the Titanic.
SPECIAL FEATURES: Bike becomes
transcendental when Ash goes mental.
'The
Shed'
Willster - Amex card engineer.
(i.e. throw money at the problem 'till it goes away)
aka. Dobinski
AMP Research, it says on the labels. From this we can
only conclude that Will is part of that research. Never before have we seen one bicycle
look so simple, so space-age, yet work like it was cobbled together in a shed somewhere in
Cleckheaton by a welder called ‘Daz’. It’s certainly the only bike
I’ve seen which has had its pivots fettled with a block of gritstone and has a shock
the size of a gerbil that leaks more oil than the Exxon Valdez. I swear there’s some
sickly looking seabirds trapped down by the main pivot somewhere. And how about making the
brake bosses from aluminium??!! Guaranteed to snap off after a 100 squeezes or so, leaving
you somewhat in trouble as you head towards the closed gate at 20 mph.
Still, Willster seems to enjoy it.
Ride on you light weight chunk of shite!
BIKE: AMP Research B4. With CJM Solutions patented
pivot replacement system (12mm steel bolt).
BRAKES: Binary XTR V Brakes. On or off sir?
WHEELS: Rims by Mavic, coating of ‘three in one
oil’ by Will.
FORKS: Italian Manitous to replace the AMP forks with
the dubious brake bosses and stuffed shock and/or pivots.
TYRES: Skid Shredded Conti navigators.
SADDLE: Probably a Flite, probably bent.
COMPUTER: Once again, its in tatters. Will, please stop
running into trees.
COCKPIT: Those crazy X-Lite bars and bar ends
that were trashed first time out and have been getting progressively more and more caned.
PEDALS: Time ATAC. Originally grey then swapped for
yellow ones 'cos it was "a cooler
colour."
CRANKS: Steve Peat’s
Race Face Turbines with Shitshift rings.
WEIGHT: Will! Will!. Inflating the tubes with Helium does not help.
SPECIAL FEATURES: Has some
really nice stickers. Arse.
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