Our top pantless reporters are ticker tape tastic! So topical that we know about things even before they have happened!

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2/4/98 This page comes alive!

The only news around today is the fact this page has come alive.
I think therefore I am.....spam

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25/6/98 Team Bananas first Hospital visit! - Source: Reuters.

Coming down the hill from the ariel on Shaton moor.....At circa 30 mph and catching Ashster....On the rough rock section just before you come on to the tarmac section...In a recent interview Mr Weller said ...."I was doing around 30 mph and was just thinking I'm catching Ash up [at this stage warning bells should have started ringing !!!!] the bike was starting to get a bit loose with the back kicking around, I could see a large rock in front of me and I hit it. I don't even know what happened when I hit the ground but I started shouting whilst I was still in the air so someone would hear me !!! It was a long walk back to my bike"

Numerous bruises and a dinted helmet did not worry Mr Weller but a very mangled shoulder needed medical attention. However, no broken bones were found - but it does "keep me awake at night"

Congrats to Rogster !!!!!

In a later interview Rogster also stated:

"Although my life did pass before my eyes and I did see a chorus of heavenly angels beckoning me to a temple of light, I have retracted my
earlier statement that I would retire from mountain bike riding, take up basket weaving instead and dedicate my life to the protection of endangered insect species. I intend to return to the fateful route and ride it again wearing nothing but a blindfold, a clean pair of pants and my helmet (cos that actually proved jolly useful this weekend)".

Northern General Hospital - you have been warned.
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23/11/99 - Fastest Colour Found! - report from Zak Cleave Jnr.

Hammerite Machine tool grey (10 quid for 1.5 litres from Halfords) is 4.2mph faster than any other colour known to man.

According to tests that have recently been conducted by Mountain Bike Action in the US. using a surplus of Merlins and Fords wind tunnel facility near Forth Worth it was found that at standard air pressure and temperature the rippled surface of Hemmerite keeps the boundary layer attached approximately 10% farther around the backside of each tube, increasing pressure recovery in the wake and therefore greatly reducing pressure drag.

Does this mean that Ash's Hamerite painted disk brakes are actually travelling faster than the rest of his bike?? I always did think that there was some strange temporal - warp shit going on there..... Disk Power!!

Hey Will, paint those floppy ears of yours. It might give you the extra edge you need at work to get to the bog and back without anyone noticing you missing from your desk!

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29/11/99 - Operation Seven Toilets results in annexing of Poland! - report from P. Thrower formally of the BBC Blue Peter Garden.

The TBR and friends operation, code name 'seven toilets' at Badings in Ambleside over the weekend resulted in the annexing of Poland and in giving booze to babies!

From a 'high-low' point of view it looks something like this:

Lowlights.

- The last stabby climb back to the house (lest we forget).
- 'Lame hats'.
- Tim chunderring after playing baby.

Highlights.

- The 'Carpet' dance. When will Willster learn to keep his clothes on?
- The Australian airbomb repeater and Big Ben.
- Will going downhill slower than Andy.
- Saturdays charitable weather.
- Map reading poetry.
- Handstands against open doors - thanks Dan.
- The first two lines of any of the songs we sang in the Chinese.
- Ash's two arms.

and not forgetting of course

- Doms annsexing of Poland. (shes waiting for a phone call and an opening of 'hostilities' pledge)

Speaking of which Scotster on six hour drive home avoided sleep by amusing myself by winding up the fair and lovely Ela.

"hes a good rider that Dom. Isn't he Ela"?
"he told you he was going into PR? So he didn't mention the male stripping job?
"What did you think to his third tattoo"?
"did he let you touch his shammy"?
"did he demonstrate his six inches of travel"?
"Wot did Dom say about you? I didn't get much chance to speak to him this morning but he said that he would e-mail all the lads Monday with the juicy 'get jiggy with it' details"
"London to Oldham"? Oh thats about three hours by blitzkrieg"

Some of them went over her head but it kept me amused.

Here's to next time!

Banana.
Go on. Make a monkey out of yourself.

Banana. Go on. Make a monkey out of yourself.

Banana.
Go on. Make a monkey out of yourself.