I saw the back wheel lock up five or six times and the frame juddered under the braking forces, as the path of his bike described a wide arc in his vain attempt to maximise the run out length before he disappeared over the cliff edge. Lessons in Geometry, Simple Applied Mathematics and Death. VIRGIN I guess we were both a little lucky that day because as the devils back wheel was in its last meter of fighting for traction before that cliff edge, some Tom Ritchy Z Max magic must have worked its wicked way. Friction kicked in with a vengeance, and the bike layed itself over in wide arcing skid. The devil dove off to the floor and hung on for dear life as his friends ran towards him. I knew then, that I had escaped for good, his evil clutches ». The alleged witness sums up the whole event by simply saying « I have absolutely no idea what the daft f***** was trying to do. He must be a complete arse-hole ».   CLEAN JODHPURS There are some signs of evidence to back up this story. A feint line can be seen down a cliff face near by, but forensic experts say that it was caused by dinosaur ‘back door’ action as it consists of melted a amalgam of shale, shit & rubber. « This particular amalgam can only have been caused by the heat generated by the immense amounts of friction and speed associated with homosexual dinosaur activities a very long time ago (even before Cross-roads was on the air) » said one expert.   Some ‘Clean Jodhpurs’, yesterday AROUND YOUR ANKLES The other clue, is indeed a two foot deep gouge approximately three foot long at the bottom of the slope, it contains human tooth ‘skin’, stretched pubic hair and a pseudo metallic element of unknown origin. All these point towards the alleged witnesses story being true The only point of uncertainty is the origin of the pseudo-metallic element. Top metallurgist Sam Fox of Stocksbridge said yesterday ‘No, never seen owt like it. Its a bit like ‘monkey metal’ but has a lower tensile strength and the melting point of lard. More like ‘monkey Shit’ if you ask me ». Place of origin? to which he replied « Ha, Ha, monkeys arse of course! » obviously not knowing the true source of this mystery substance. Several Halfords receipts have been found in Mr. Jackson-Moores files at his home in Grenoside. The investigation continues.

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