SPIDERS LEGS Wooompppssshhhh!!! One, Two, Three!!! They all hit the bank with fork crunching speed and crested the rise like roller coaster cars, launching skywards, arcing towards us and landing just infront of us before hitting the brakes to skid dusty halt. After an appropriate amount of applause and exchanging of telephone numbers with the babes in the group, the walkers left the bikers and headed off down the hill. A Babe, yesterday The men walkers were jealous and the woman were moist.  REMINGTON Anyway I hung around and watched the three lads just pootling around and generally showing off. Then I noticed two of them were intently discussing something between themselves. They’d gone quiet and looked rather serious. One of them pointed up a mother-f***** of a shale banking about thirty foot high and about near vertical as you get without actually being a cliff face. I watched this lads hand point to the top and trace a path straight down the bank. It was then, with an all enveloping horror, that I realised what they were thinking of doing (at this point in the story the alleged witness always wets himself). CORPORATE BUYOUTS I wanted to walk away, but a morbid fascination kept me transfixed. I couldn’t believe it, this lad in a blue top just took his bike on his shoulder and nonchalantly disappeared off up the road. Maybe those were his last moments of sanity. A minute later he reappeared right on the crest of this banked drop off. He still had his bike across his shoulders and he was silhouetted against the sun. It looked like a crucifixion scene and I almost fainted when I realised that I was looking at the exact likeness of Jesus reincarnate (the witness crosses himself). INSIDER DEALING Anyroad, the lad at the bottom and his mate are shouting instructions and words of advice to ‘Jesus’. Things like - « Go on Yer Puff »!! « Just switch yer brain off »! « Don’t worry, your not under any pressure » « If you don’t do it you’ve got NO DICK »!! ‘Jesus’ then hesitated for an instant before backing up out of view, behind the crest of the hill. The next time I see him, I realise with terror, that he isn’t Jesus at all, but BEELZEBUB himself!!! BIG BANG He tore through the fabric of the sky and sun, as he screamed like a banshee towards me over the lip of the hill. I swear his wheels never touched the ground as they seared along leaving a white hot plasma trial (at this point the alleged witness always defecates and his speech becomes babbled and sometimes incoherent) JODHPURS I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. The Devil was descending towards me like a black avalanche. I knew that as he screamed passed me, he would tear out my soul, and carry it with him, on his way down to Hell. FANTASY ISLAND Facing eternal damnation I suddenly became strong and tried to look him in the eye. I couldn’t, his eyes were all blurry, fish like and bugged out with terror. I knew this was just a trick he was playing. In an instant he was almost at the bottom of the slope. His two friends stood opened mouth as they witnessed Lucifer come to take me. They looked confused and dazed. « Why was William NOT using his brakes »???? THWUMPPPP!!! That sound was my salvation. I saw Lucifer hit the run off slope doing Mach 5. Luckily for me, the run out slope wasn’t a run out slope at all. It was more like a junction of two angles, were the horizontal tarmac road met the 50° angle of the shale bank. I swear I saw Beelzebub’s Bollocks wrap themselves around the top tube, as they stretched a bulging deformation downwards in his cycling shorts. Those balls must have been heavily loaded with hell spawn. I saw his arms go concertina style and his sternum missed the stem by only millimetres. The whip-lash threw his head down and up like he was f****** a Kangaroo. As he came out of the compression I knew I was safe. His eye balls were rattling around in their sockets and the g force had pulled two long strings of snot and blood out of his nostrils. His jaw was dropped wide open and his knuckles were clamped white around the grips as his right fingers scrabbled for a brake lever. I thought to myself « This lads got other things on his mind apart from tearing out my soul »  It was simple. The mother f***** couldn’t stop. RICHARD BRANSON « Stop »! shouted one of his friends when he realised the Devil was heading towards his own personal hell in the form of an eight foot drop off, where the road had broken away and left a jagged cliff edge, with only more tarmac at the bottom to great the bastard.   - continued

Bananas.
I just can't get enough.