Last night doctors were becoming increasingly concerned for the health of a young Sheffield mountain biker. 'William' a 29 year old accountant from Sheffield (full name withheld until next of kin informed) continues to refuse to move from his prone position on the well known Mam Tor ‘broken road’ just outside the town of Castleton in the Derbyshire Peak District. PSYCHIATRIST « The early sages of hypothermia and rigor mortis are beginning to set in » said one doctor « We've had friends, family and even psychiatrists out here trying to get him to let go of the ground, but he just keeps mumbling something about « the brakes » and « it was all a blur » ». GYNECOLOGIST It is indeed a strange site. 'William' remains dressed in cycling clothes and lies cheek to the tarmac and arms and legs spread-eagled, as he clings to the ground as if it were a cliff face. Blankets and drip feeds now surround him in an effort to keep him alive, but doctors say another three days on the hillside may kill him. « Its not just the bacon on his knees and elbows that are causing us concern » said doctor Doolittle « its more a problem of his metabolic rate. We cant figure it out, but ever since we found him his heart rate has been a constant maxed out 194 bpm. STIRRUPS His metabolic rate is so high that he's consuming blood sugars and fats at an alarming rate. We've been injecting him with neat Lucozade and feeding him Yorkies but its not helping. Just yesterday his arse-hole tried to eat his balls in an attempt to get more lard. He'll be dead by Wednesday » JODHPURS Two friends of 'William' who were witness to the event which caused this terrible state of shock have pissed off and are quoted as saying « Yeah we know he's still up there. Let the dick head die. Serves the daft c*** right for showing off. He's been so desperate for a shag the last few days that his ego tried to f*** his brain and that's the result. If you want to know what happened to him back last Sunday check out the two foot deep gouge in the tarmac just at the bottom of that shale bank.» A Condom ('William' has not had the opportunity to use one since Christmas), yesterday HAND JOB An independent witness who also saw the event, has been able to give Police and Psychiatrists an accurate and detailed account of what happened on that fateful day. However, both the police and medical profession have dismissed the witness as a ‘care in the community case’ due to the fantastic nature of his story. It is so incredibly far fetched that basically, no one will risk their professional credibility and give him even the benefit of the doubt. Also every time the witness recounts the story he defecates and starts to hyperventilate. He has spent the last two days in an iron lung in a secure wing of the Middlewood hospital. His story is indeed incredible, but it gives us our only clue as to what may have happened last Easter weekend on that fateful Sunday afternoon. RAZZ « Well » he begins « I was walking with my dog along the old broken road (the dog was found dead at the scene, its eyes on stalks and other sensory organs exploded), when I saw this group of walkers near the bottom. They were on top of a bank and were clapping and laughing as they watched these three lads on mountain bikes razz up and down this steep shale drop off. -AMATAZ The lads themselves looked like young lambs, full of the joys of spring and grinning form ear to ear as they zoomed around, they’d obviously had a top grin of day and were just kicking back on adrenaline and sunshine. I went down and started to watch them too. I was lucky enough to catch their finale. SHOW GIRLS They all pootled off and disappeared out of view over a slight rise and we all thought they’d left, but we waited around for a minute because their was a sense of expectation in the air.   ‘Skidding to a halt’, hier Just then, they appeared over rise, some 100 yards away and heading towards us at full whack. They all had the hammer down and were tonking along wheel to wheel RAF style. This I thought to myself, was going to be good...... SKIMPY BIKINIS Fifteen yards out from the bank on which we stood, and still hammering wheel to wheel they flicked over lines and spewed up clouds of dust as they all swung around in unison to come square on to the banks ramp-up. We were stood a safe distance in from the top of the bank but we all took several steps back when we saw what was going to happen. - continued

Bananas.
I just can't get enough.