We all want our fifteen minutes of fame but how far are you prepared to go to get it? Team Banana Racing show you how far down in to the gutter you can possibly crawl.

From TBRs Minister for Communication and Lies - Domster

Team Banana Racing's history is peppered like a clap ridden scrotum with festering jaunts into the worlds media circus. What did we do to deserve these ego trips and how did we get them? Well, there is no secret, there is no complex philosophy. We sold our souls and whored our posteriors to the worlds media moguls.

Just to show you what is possible for a team with absolutely no individual talent we have put together a selection of our favourite fifteen minutes plus a TBR guide onto how to get yourselves between the sheets. .

1 - Have a big ego to massage.

Team Banana in Maximum Mountain Bike were dissapointed there names didn't appear in four foot neon high letters.

Like having a cock to frot, having a big ego to massage is a prerequisite for TBR membership and achieving media glory. Without it you simply won't have the desire to promote the myth or indeed, the sexual urge needed to get between the sheets.

2 - Be Egotistical Bastards. Boast and Brag.

Scotster in Turkey brags to the local press about conquering a load of blokes with moustaches.

If you have just managed to light one of your farts whilst bunny hopping backwards over a pregnant cow called Doris then boast about it for gods sake!!!

Call your local editor and tell him all about your spectacular feat of daring methane ignition/bovine clearing in a single bound antics.

Whilst selling the story try and slip in the key phrases, 'good cause', 'princess Di' and 'toe sucking'. They'll be round your house with a photographer quicker than you can say 'beans and corned beef on toast please'.

3 - Lie. Golden rule of engagement when dealing with the media.

The Local Press don't mind if you are not who you say you are.

If at any time during your dealings with the media you feel the need to lie through your teeth then don't hesitate.

Although El Presidenté tries not to soil his holy hands by dealing with the media he is a great exponent of the art of exaggeration. His favorite quote on the media: "Ha, they are like hair gel in my hands. If I need two pages in a broad sheet I simply tell them my team are big breasted amazonian martians who are planning to circumcise the world on bikes - and they always buy it"
T'is true, 99.9% of the TBR stories which have hit the headlines have been based on untruths and big breasted amazonian martians.

A great example is that in the shot taken for the Help the Aged article featured here where the local press had absolutely no qualms about the fact that the names listed under the photo bore no relation to the people in the photo. Basically the press have no integrity so why should you?

4 - Have a hook line - know your market.

Channel 4 and The Real Holiday Show become hooked by a masterful missive!

The media will always buy Sex, Drugs and Royalty, everything else will be difficult to sell. Charity and religious pervy's might get a look in if things are slow.

If you can combine the three of them then you will be able to retire on the profits. So, if you just came 1st in a novice race somewhere near Windsor park and as a prize you got a bottle of Isostar and peck on the cheek from the race organisers mother then you should sell it as:

"Royal patronage given to mountain bike race which ends in an crazed orgy of sex and drugs"

5 - Have a mole (or rat in our case)

Team Banana Racing in mountain Bike UK because we know someone who knows soemone....

If you don't have a man on the inside then things are going to be much tougher. 'Our man' has managed to pull the puds of various magazine editors to enable TBR to show our arses to the world.
In return we keep him sweet by supplying him with young frisky young goats and pots of lard.

6 - Lastly - Be willing to wear funny hats.

If the photographer wants you to insert a banana up your arse whilst holding a french baguette in one hand and a hessian sackful of monkeys in the other then do it with a smile on your face and a sphincter of some stamina cos' he'll doubtless ask you to do it again and again and again........

Of course not only do you get your fifteen minutes of fame. If you play your cards right you can also use your media exposure to blag stuff from sponsors. On our blag list todate:

£700 worth of Michelin tubes and tyres.
A cateye altimeter.
8 sets of body armour.
Stacks of T-shirts.
A mountain bike.
A heart rate monitor.

DISCOUNT DISCOUNT DISCOUNT!!!!!!

We'll be bringing you a blagging guide in the near future.

BANANA BLAGGING!